I am very sick, what do I have?

I am really sick. At first I thought it was food poisoning, but it has been going on for 5 days. I vomit everything that I put into my body and I have diarrhea at the same time. My skin is really pale. My hurts really bad, especially when I pee. My urine is a dark almost brown yellow and it smells like old cheese. My gas and my diarrhea also smell similar to my urine. I just had a bowel movement that was solid, but it was black. What should I do? I can't get out of my bed now and my bodily waste is everywhere. HELP!